Update

In early May, Tory and I got to hang out for a while prior to her departure for Colorado. It just so happened that Tory had gotten wind of the fact that Abouna Chacour was going to be in town on the weekend, so we went to hear him talk about Ibilin. It was terrific.
More recently, I was looking at my old photos from MESP. It made me physically sick out of my desire to be near to you all again. I miss you all terribly.
I was looking at a stump outside of my house a few days ago. I had mowed arround it for years. Then, I had hacked it to pieces with an axe. The stump was not particularly important to me, but it did constitute a portion of my life, of who I am. I could talk at great length about the stump and never get close to conveying the weightiness of this tiny object within my life. Indeed it is a tiny object of no significance. Compare that to MESP and my experiences with you. You all have played a HUGE role in my life to date. I could not, even in a million years, convey the depth of your impact upon who I am today. I cannot even convey the significance of a tiny stump in my backyard. How can I hope to put my experiences with you into words? No one really understands what we experienced together except for us. Even those who went on MESP on other semesters had different experiences. (although there is a ton of common ground that makes communication SO much easier)
This is part of what is so beautiful about Matt and Suzannah Gruelkirk. They share this common experience.
All this goes to say that I dont know what to do with MESP. On one of our last days, we sat in the classroom and Dr. Dave asked us what our overall feelings were regarding MESP. I was the last to go and I honestly said that a part of me wished that I could forget what I had learned. Ignorance is bliss. A part of me wished that I had not come on MESP because I knew how difficult (it has proved impossible so far) it would be to return to life as normal. Of course I am glad that I went and learned and experienced. I am glad that I got to know all of you. Yet if Dr. Dave asked me the same question again, I would have the same answer. Ignorance IS bliss and while, being the person that I am, I can never knowingly choose ignorance over knowledge, it is a real temptation...
It is a temptation to forget. It is a temptation to "move on." It is a temptation to shove MESP aside as a "nice experience." All the while, the truth remains that I am deeply MESPed up.
I was deeply moved as I looked through the pictures. I was moved because I did not know what to do with you. You, the people with whom I share this deep bond, are so very far away. You are the ones who understand who I am, where I have been and what I have seen. As a group, you know me better than almost anyone else in the world.
What are we to do? How do you say goodbye to someone who touched you? How do you forget without forgetting? How do you let go without letting go? I have tried to keep in touch with a number of you to considerable sucess. But, is it sustainable? Can we really maintain close contact with each other? It is not going to last. The phone calls will become farther and farther appart. (By the way, I am NOT trying to guilt trip anyone. Im just trying to state the facts.) We cant continue living as though MESP never ended. We must somehow move forward without abandoning what we have learned and experienced. Im struggling to do this, but after only a year and a half, I feel as though I am being torn in two.
I have always been terrible with goodbyes.
God has asked so much of me in the past year and a half. He has asked me to give up everything that I once held dear. He has asked me to give up on hopes and dreams and ambitions. I have turned over my life to Him. He is in charge... but I still feel pain.