Updates, revelations, and confessions

I promised everyone a better update at some point, well here it is.

I'm at a low point in my life, personally, spiritually, economically, relationally, pretty much every way I can be. Well I take that back, I have a decent job in and though I feel underpaid I should not overlook the fact that I do have a job and work for a company none for not laying off people, so not every way but most ways.

This is meant to be a statement of fact and an update, not a plea for pity, sympathy, or payer, because I know that I am in a valley that I have been digging myself for years and I have no one to blame but myself and the only way to find the mountains again is to change these self-destructive and unproductive habits I have.

These revelations come as I am taking inventory of my life after some recent and major changes in my life. Diana and I broke up almost 2 months ago and though ultimately I know that this is what needed to happen and I have no doubt that it is God's will, I have gone thru some major periods of depression. But, it has really taught me many things, about myself, about God, and about how I'm going to get to where God wants me to be.

I've realized that I am a social chameleon. This isn't as true as it once way, but it is still very true. I am very shy at first when I meet people, observing, taking in, learning what they like and don't like, and ultimately who they want me to be. Then I adapt myself to that group of people, forcing my self to fit in where I ultimately may not. It's a defense mechanism I taught myself in middle school to keep myself from the constant ridiculing I endured. While this is an excellent defense mechanism, a chameleon, by it's very nature, never stands out. God is calling me to a life where I am supposed to be set apart, where I call people to truth, where I push for change. This is will never happen as long as I continue to hide believes that I fear will ostracize me.

I am often envious when I read posts on here and see how you guys are doing exactly the things I want to be doing, while I hide in the shadows afraid that I don't have the strength of will to do it. In particular I want to say this of Micah. Micah you continue to push on for what you believe in though it seems the entire world is against you. You fight for what you believe in, even though doing so is like walking thru fire. I wish I had 1/10 of your courage!

I've also learned how selfish I am and how much of my life I live for myself, particularly in my spiritual life. Looking back at my spiritual life I am reminded of Israel (not the modern nation, but the Biblical nation). I've been reading thru the Old Testament and I'm working thru 1 & 2 Kings right now and it seems like the story of my life. King X comes to rule Israel (or Judah) but he was a wicked king and set up many idols and because of his wickedness [insert bad thing] happens to Israel or X prophet speaks out against him. It seems like the nation just goes from one phase of idolatry to the next, with an occasionally short lived repentance when tragedy strikes.

I feel like my whole life God has pursued me, calling me to ministry and calling me away from the various things I do that don't live up to his standards. But the Christian life is supposed to work the other way. I should be pursing God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind. It's ironic that one of my favorite passages in all of scripture is when Jesus is asked what is the greatest commandment and he responds with this. I've loved this verse for so long, but it has never truly sank in or taken root in my life.

I look back at my relationship with Diana and all of my other relationships with women. I see the fire and the passion I pursed them with, even ignoring faults I may see or warning signs that the relationship won't last. Why have I never pursed God like this, who has no faults, who will never hurt me, who only wants what is best for me always and forever. I recently read Captivating (this is the female equivalent of Wild at Heart for those who don't know) and it taught me a lot about how God wants to be pursed with that same passion that I've pursed the women in my past. He wants me to think about him constantly, to find creative ways to please / make Him smile. He wants me to give up large portions of my free time talking with Him and sharing with Him. He wants me to think of Him as the most precious thing in my life, like a pearl of great price.

Thinking of it this way really caused it to click for me in a new and exciting way. We often, (well maybe not everyone, but I know I often do) think of God in masculine form, but this not true. God is wholly other, neither male nor female, yet both male and female were created in his image, so while he is neither he encapsulates both. Perhaps this is why when we talk of couples we talk of completion.

These revelations probably aren't anything starling for most of you, and in a way they aren't for me either. These are things that I've "known" for pretty much my whole life, but it's time to start living them. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now. God's tired of my lukewarmness and it's time I either live with passion for him or be spewed from his mouth. I felt I needed to write this because a) I promised you all an update on my last post, b) it's easy for me to say this in my head and then forget it the next day like I've done so many times in my life. I felt I needed to announce it and allow others to keep me accountable to the promises I'm making to myself and to God today.

Now for an update on the specific changes in my day to day life.

I've switched to working 3rd shift now. The change has been somewhat difficult, but ultimately I like the more free time I have and I think that it is the right thing to do career wise, at least for the time being.

I'm looking for apartments. I think I've pretty much found one. Most likely I will be moving to Clifton, which is a fairly rough urban area in downtown Cincinnati. I'm hoping that this will also allow me to get more involved with inner city missions within Cincinnati. Part of the reason I think my spiritual life is in such a slump (in addition to what I said above) is that for the last year I haven't been involved with any form of ministry.

I've decided that I'm going to try and self-teach myself Arabic. I figure with all the free time I have during times when the world is sleeping due to my 3rd shift schedule, this would be a great time to try an teach myself. I'm planning to use my $600 economic boost check to buy Rosetta Stone software. I haven't decided if I will by just level 1 & 2 or buy all 3 levels.

I'm very jealous of those of you who are returning to the Middle East in the near future.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my little confession. Special thanks to those who let me vent during times when I was really down. It meant a lot to me!

I love and miss you all so terribly.