Update on Life

So I was chatting with Bryan on AIM today and realized how ridiculously long it's been since I've been in contact with any of y'all. So I thought I'd just write an update. Oh, but before all that, who else is super-excited for Greuller and Suzanna! MABROOK! I'm seriously considering going to Seattle in October...who's with me? (Well, some lucky ones of you are already there, but, of the rest of us, who's with me?)

Anyway, so, life update. The semester's almost over. This has definitely been the hardest semester of my time in college, and probably really the hardest few months of my life. I won't go into it in-depth, there's a lot of reasons: feeling disconnected from my old friends, not because they alienate me, but just because I've changed and they haven't, struggling to adjust to classes again, and feeling like I'm not really learning anything important, or relevant, and that all this work is really pointless, really feeling like Gordon isn't my community any more, and, as some of you know, going through a painful drawn-out break-up for the first month and a half or so of the semester with Tori, my girlfriend who I talked to a lot of you about. I've had some really bad spells of depression, and actually seriously thought about dropping out of school for a brief period of time.

But God has been good, and things have been getting much better in the past month or so. There have been a couple of really good friends who have been there for me, mostly friends who have done either study-abroad programs or lived overseas, and so know the feelings of alienation that I'm going through. And then there are Darcie and Amy, the two other MESP alums here, both of whom I'm in a campus ministry leadership team with, and both of whom are awesome.
Academically, I've decided to write my senior honors thesis next year on the Christian Zionist Lobby's effect on US policy towards Israel, possibly comparing some of their means of lobbying with political action taken by the Muslim Brotherhood and similar Islamic organizations. I'm excited about that, even though I know it's going to make me angry I think it's going to be fascinating. I'm also hoping to include a chapter on people like MCC and CPT who don't let eschatology override justice when it comes to Israel-Palestine.

On that too, I'm currently rolling the idea around of leading a "Justice Pilgrimage" trip from Gordon to Israel-Palestine next summer after I graduate. As of now, this is only a dream, but I feel like there would definitely be interest from students here, and since Gordon does a lot of summer trips, there would be the organizational framework to support organizing it. Anyway, mostly I think I just want to have a chance to sit at Abuuna Elias Chacour's feet again.

Umm, let's see, what else. Oh, on this summer, the State Department rejected me twice, once for an internship and once for a scholarship to study Arabic (Props to Phil for getting one...internship that is), as did all the NGOs in DC I applied to intern with...so I'm going to be working at my on-campus job over the summer. I was upset about that for awhile, but I'm actually kind of glad now. I feel like I have a lot of things I want to sort out, and so having a more relaxed summer will be much appreciated. I'm planning to do a lot of writing, as well as starting my research for my honors thesis. So if any of y'all are coming to the Boston area this summer, give me a call or an e-mail and we'll have a good time. I'm turning 21 a month from Thursday, too, so that will...ah...enhance our good time. Oh, that reminds me, too, you should all come to DC from the 3rd to the 6th of June for the Sojourners conference. I'm definitely going to be there, and the conference looks to be pretty amazing. Barack Obama will be there...come on, Barack Obama! And Jim Wallis, and Shane Claiborne, and all sorts of other cool people...and then I can actually have a drink with friends on my 21st birthday, instead of just buying a beer by myself. Seriously, it is going to be a great conference. Check out www.sojo.net for more info.

Ok, commercial over. I'm going to jump on the bandwagon started by Kirsten and say that there's someone out there I'm pretty much in love with...but she's graduating in two weeks and moving to Zambia to do educational development...so that's complicated. Good, because she's amazing, but complicated. If you want to know more, you're going to have to ask me directly.

So that's a little on the state of my life. I promise once this semester is over and my life slows down a little I will be much better about keeping in touch. I miss all of y'all a whole lot.
Peace,
Jon

Gai Eaton

Hey does anyone remember the name of the article/ chapter or whatever that we read on jihad in islam that was written by Gai Eaton?
Also, do ya'll remember the name of the person who was calling for the reopening of itjihad that Heather liked a lot?
Thanks for your help...you have no idea how much it means.

the end

last final today.
graduating tomorrow.

woot woot!!!

Documentary hunting

Hey kids.
So I'm taking over a dying history club at SPU and trying to turn it into some kind of history/poli sci/current event discussion cadre. In order to get some more students involved, I want to put on some kind of event this spring where we maybe show some kind of short documentary, bring in a prof or two to respond, and have some discussion.
I was thinking it would be nice to find a quality documentary (pref. a balanced documentary..but i know that doesn't always fit with the purpose of the genre) on the West Bank, since that ties in both poli. sci. and history. But, hey, i'm open to suggestions.
So even if it doesn't have to do with the Middle East, has anyone seen a (preferably short) quality documentary that you could recommend?
Thanks!
Alissa

advice?

Guys. I think I'm pretty much in love with someone. What should I do? Ahh! And they're going away for the summer, ahh! OK that's all. Oh and I want to hear about the gallibeya day after it happens. I don't think I'll participate for various probably lame reasons, but I deffinitely want to see pictures.

In Response to Micah

I do not have much to say, but I want to say two things. The first is that the only thing that has given me hope is that God is working in all situations. It is hard and I will come back to it. The second thing I want to say is that I understand this, but the issues that you mentioned are all man made. I know that this does not explain natural disasters, but then to enter that discussion might take us to the end of our lives to finally come to peace with it. In the case of man made genocides and the horrid and disgusting act of men using children as prostitutes God gave his right of controlling our actions in order for his people to truly love him. One cannot and perhaps should not force someone to love them. For that would not be love by the name that we have come to know it. Love in the sense of investing in each other's life to the point where each person becomes as one. God is always bending towards us. We have to listen through the noise of the world to come through this. This is in fact what I am working on now. Now back to the first thing I said about God working in all situations. I truly believe that God is working. God is working when a Darfur woman who has lost her family reaches out to another Darfur woman who just lost their family despite her own pain. God is working through reporters like Nicholas Kristoff who has risen much attention to the Darfur situation and especially at the child prostitution issue. God is working when a man decides not to use child prostitutes. God is there when people invest in other people. When people care for one another at the expense of themselves. I understand my answer is lacking. It is lacking experience and depth. I wish I had more to give, but I am at the end of my rope for this week. On Friday my grandfather died and I have experienced the grief and joy at the loss my family and I have suffered, but I have also seen much of the love my grandfather showed the world, which has given me much joy and comfort.

Your Brother in Christ,
Matt

P.S. - I will give a quick update on my grad school and summer plans. I am still in the process of applying to grad school. I need to get a few more recommendation letters in and a few other smaller things to turn in and then I will learn in two weeks after all of that is in whether I will be in Philly next fall. This summer I will be in Indiana for three weeks or so in May after my graduation on May 5th. Perhaps some of us can get together.

Happiness... is it so overrated?

I have absolutely every reason to be happy. I am in good health, I have a great family and great opportunities. Yet, I dont think that I have ever been more sad. I just dont know what to trust in anymore. I used to trust my knowledge. That was until I learned how little I know (a process that began in England and has continued to today). I used to trust my friends. Then I saw that even the closest of friends are capable of abandoning you as soon as things become difficult for them. I used to trust humanity in general. Then I saw Dachau and the Holocaust museum. Where can I put my trust? God? Certainly, that would be ideal. But, where is God in Darfur? Where is he in the brothels where children are forced into prostitution? If God cannot be counted on to stop genocide, how can I trust him with something much smaller? Then, here is the kicker. When it comes to people who suffer, where does my suffering fit in? It doesnt. I have so many blessings that I cant even count them. Yet, here I am frustrated and unhappy, wallowing in my own saddness. When did I become so selfish? When did I become so wrapped up in my own frustrations that I actually think that they are worth mentioning? How does one become selfless?

turkish news

Hey everyone... here is an interesting story about what happened in Turkey this week. sorry to bring depressing news... http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/04/19/bible.attack.ap/index.html

while we're on the issue of summer plans...

I think I'll be in Phoenix this summer as the Relief Intern at Food for the Hungry. yeah. I actually am mildly excited about it. I have to raise a TON of money and I'm hoping that I can work in an office. But past the money issues and the whole cubicle thing, it will be a great opportunity. I met with a guy who worked in Bangladesh with the organization and just said amazing things about it. They taught people literacy using the Qur'an. Isn't that phenomenal? They integrated Christianity into the Muslim, South Asian culture.

I'm hoping the people working in the organization are as forward-thinking as that idea. I need to be in an non-oppressive atmosphere this summer. I need people who aren't pretending to go through life as happy, perfect Christians. Instead, I'm looking for people who are struggling with big ideas, questions and not afraid to say--I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Lastly, anyone know anyone who wants to put someone up for the summer? If I can find free housing--man, I will be set! Any church contacts, personal friends, family? I promise to be on my best behavior! =)

ps. Tory, this could be your shining moment--and I want updates--written. let's be the real kind of pen pals that use stamps.
pss. Suz + Matt=Amazing.

Back to the woods...

So in light of the fact that I have a buttload of homework, I decided to procrastinate a bit and let you guys know that my summer plans are finalized (thanks for writing my rec. forever ago Dena!!!). In less than a month I will be heading back to the Northwoods of Wisconsin to lead 2-3 week backpacking/canoe trips for high school kids. Far from the crowded and trashy streets of Cairo, but beautiful just the same. I'm praying that my time in the wilderness will provide me with a place where I can finally rest and be at home. Insha'allah. Basically four straight months of camping--no tents, no electricity, no solid walls--just me, my group, and God...what could be better? Anyway I'd love to know all your guys' plans for the not-shitta. I don't remember the Arabic word for Summer, but I remember Winter. Hmm...In other news, life is going well. We have our big water polo tournament this weekend...finals in a week...head home for the first time since August...meh. Not much news, I just wanted to say hi and let you guys know that I think about you a lot and love you more. Peace. See you at Julia's wedding. Or Matt and Suzannah's. Crazy life.

Random happenings

Ok, before I begin, I have to tell you all this. I just found an advertisement online for cell phone ring tones. It was advertising ring tones from the Qoran!!! I wonder if that would catch on in Egypt. So many Egyptians have cell phones... but they would probably think it irreverant.
In other news, Dordt has just had what we call "Justice Week." Emily and I are in a club that tries to promote awareness on campus about different justice issues: everything from the environment, to sex slavery, to genocide. We had a letter-writing tent in front of the classroom building. I worked at the tent, trying to get people to come in and write letters to their representatives. It was tough some times. In the end, I had to use some of the techniques that were used on me (and that worked so well) by those Egyptian vendors. "Hey, come in and just take a look at some of the information we have here. You dont have to write anything, just come in and look for one minute." Of course, once they even set foot in the tent, you have them hooked. There is NO way to get out once you have set foot in a store. Egyptian vendor: "Come in, I will just give my buisness card. You dont have to buy anything, just a buisness card." I was promised a buisness card dozens of times, I never got one, but, I always bought something. I used this at the tent and it worked. : )
In other news, one of our speakers was Jason Fileta. He works with the Micah Challenge. The Micah Challenge works with governments and ngos to end poverty. It was really cool to hear him speak. But, what absolutely floored me was when he talked about his life. His parents were both Egyptian. They attended Caso du bara. Then, they moved to the states and they settled in Wheaton! He grew up attending College Church! Now, he works in close contact with the CRC! So, I got to talk to him about the city of Wheaton and the CRC in ARABIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How insane is that!
Also, he is going to Sierra Leone this summer to help monitor an election. If I dont get to go to Egypt with the State Department to study Arabic, I might be able to go with him! :) Im excited!

I forgot!

Julia, congrats on the wedding, that's a really prety invitation. I should be coming back to Calvin around that time but I was thinking, I could just fly into Iowa, and then if anyone thats coming to the wedding is heading back in the direction of Michigan, I could possibly hitch a ride? OK let me know. O ya, and that's another update I forgot. I'll be at Calvin for most of the summer if anyone will be nearby...

I found you!

So, its been quite a while. My computer died and it had the link to the blog on it and so I lost the link, so ya. I just read all ur posts from like the last 2 months. I miss you so much.

I've been thinking about you guys and our memories a lot lately. I took the train to Chicago over Easter and I got to see Tory on Good Friday! yay! It was strange, because being on a train again just brings back a flood of memories. Like Alexandria, when some people got left behind, and when we almost got left in the station between Luxor and Aswan and when that train was freakin 2 degrees while we were trying to sleep. Studying arabic and playing card games. Ya, I really miss it. Riding an Amtrak train by myself used to be the epitomy of excitement, but no longer. So anyway, Tory and I walked around pretty much all of downtown Chicago and talked about everything for hours. It was so great. And ya, next summer Tory and I are living together in Cairo and learning arabic if anyone wants to get it on that.

So Arabic class is going well and we've set up this weekly practice thing with the Egyptian guys here and some random people that aren't even taking arabic that like to come. However, Phil has yet to make an appearance, hint hint. Its basically the highlight of my week.

O so I should tell u about the other day, its kinda amusing. Me and my friend Jo went to our Arabic teacher's restaurant because he was gonna tell me about the Qur'an for this project I'm doing. So we get there, he talks for like 2 hours on basically the entire Qur'an, Americans and Christians being jerks and hypocrites, that Jesus says we should cut off people's heads, etc. I was like, "I'm pretty sure that is not in the Bible." He informed me that the problem with Christians is they don't read their Bible enough and when they do, they interpret everything as love when that's not what it says. Evidently he's read the Bible 10 times. SO interesting conversation, and he gave us like a diagram of the Cosmos according to Islam on the back of a menu, its pretty sweet.

But anyway, after that, we were gonna order food from him. However, at this point Jo starts turning around to look at these guys (I guess Cairo had honed my skills at tuning out men) but they were like, "hey, you aren't from around here are you? What you doing slumming around here?" etc., etc. and then talking about how much they liked our clothes (jeans and sweatshirts, haha) and then started accusing us of being racist. So I, with my fine tuned skills continued to tune them out, but Jo, being a good social worker decides that she wants to prove she's not racist so she's goes and sits with them. I was like, alright, I'll stay in line. Haha. So then this extremely high guy starts coming up to me being like, "hey are you happily married?" I affirmed. Then insued him laughing hysterically at nothing and saying stuff like, "I won't tell if you won't" So anyway, I realized that its much harder to deal with this when you can understand what people are saying. Then I actually proceeded to tell him that he should go about getting "what he wants" in a better way. Haha. He was like, "o I know. I'm just an honest guy, I see something I want and I have to say so." So ya, probably most awkward 15 minutes of my life waiting for my gyro.

However then I had a great conversation with Jo about this kinda stuff in the Middle East and how I didn't want people to think that being disrespectful and insulting of women is the way to get their attention. But it does work, and its frustrating. So anyway, really I wish Eunice had been there to say something like, "laa, imshi." haha.

Basically, I am frustrated with life though. It just doesn't seem real enough. I guess that's life, but especially so here, and by here I mean America and especially college and especially Grand Rapids and especially the suburbs. I need something more to challenge me. My classes are neat, but they aren't really challenging me, and because of that I don't put in much effort. My friends are great, but I don't feel like they require much of me. This is the thing, nothing really requires much effort or thought or stretching as my life is now. Its a great life, but its an easy life, and is that really life?

I'm not really particularly unhappy or happy or angry or anything really. My boss insists I'm depressed, but I don't feel depressed, just lazy and unchallenged. O and my co-worker told me my spiritual sin was sloth, haha. Funny, but probably very true. These last couple days though, I've just wanted to break out of my routine, of what's expected, and do something totally insane and unpredictable, but dancing and singing around my living room for my roommate was really all that happened. O and watching Lord of the Rings in the middle of the night.

OK so I really love you all, and Sarah you'll be freakin awesome at the Peace Corps. It'll work out, even if not easily. Fortune favors the brave you know. Becca that grant ur working on sounds amazing too! ok byebye.

Invitation

To all of my loved ones:




I want you all to know that you are more than welcome to come to my wedding on June 16. The more the MESPers...the better the bellydancing (that means you Abbie!!).

Just let me know if you plan on coming and I will help you with directions and accommodations.

Question!

Hey gang! What is the name of the school Jenna is working through? I have a friend who is interested and I wanted to ask on here before I emailed Dena, in case anyone knew...? Much love to you and your moms.
~Mandy

Villanelle for Our Time

Tonight I sat in the dark, candlelit (Anglican) cathedral of St. George the Martyr in Jerusalem, and listened first as the Palestinian priest went through the Easter liturgy in both English and Arabic, and then as a London choir filled the spaces of the church, and I thought of all of you. I've been trying to read this blog as often as I can since you started it, but to be honest, I've never known quite what to post myself, partly because I'm sure that most of you would love to be where I am (the ME I mean), and because of that it it seemed somehow strange and almost unfair to write to you about a new semester that doesn't include you. So in the end, I've just been reading and thinking, and really hoping that we're all going to be OK.

I'm grateful for many reasons to still be in the ME, but one of the big reasons, one of the reasons that I always think of when I read the blog, is that I'm still "allowed" to "live in the grey" so to speak. I'm still in the midst of people who are seeing and experiencing and questioning and thinking and re-assessing, and it has kept me from reaching the point I feel like a lot of you have hit. From what I know of returning to North America after MESP, one of the hardest things is that many people will no longer allow you to live in the grey, especially when it comes to issues of theology/faith/religion/salvation etc. They want black-and-white answers to questions that don't really have answers, and they seem to be even more insistent that they get the answers quickly from you, since they may feel that since you have observed Islam or Orthodox Christianity, or Judaism, or Middle Eastern conflicts in general, you therefore must have a greater and more clear sense of "right" and "wrong" (which, as we all know, is definitely not true). I find that this pressure can make people either go one way or the other, or give up altogether, and I guess I just wanted to encourage all of you to continue asking the questions, and fighting both against black-and-white, and against giving in (giving in would include deciding to hate your country, abandon God, and/or conclude that the majority of North Americans are just ignorant/clueless/hopeless).

The other day when we heard from Elias Chacour, and tonight when I listened to the Palestinian priest say in both English and Arabic "Alleluia! Christ is risen!", it made me think again of the talk Jim Wright (Heather Keaney's husband - just in case you forgot) gave at the end of my semester as a student. He played a Leonard Cohen song (I'm putting the words at the end), and talked about the circle many MESPers go through, and kind of categorized the post-MESP experience. He said there are three kinds of MESPers (I'm paraphrasing here, and acknowleding that we obviously can't put people in neat little categories):

1. Those who come, see Islam, see suffering (conflict, poverty, refugees, etc.) and the effects of "Western" foreign policy, and decide to "overidentify" (one of Dave's phrases, as you know) and get lost in their overidentification
2. Those who come, see all of the above, "underidentify", and get lost in their underidentification (i.e. hate Islam, decide that Western ideas/democracy/culture etc. really just is "superior", think that Middle Eastern Christianity is missing something, etc.)
3. Those who can find a balance and who can be open and accepting, while still thinking critically, and can, as Dave says, "use what they learn at MESP to hold a mirror up to their own culture" and allow their experience to continue to shape them long after they get back home. Those who fit this category struggle at lot, and that struggle doesn't end when they arrive back in North America. However through the struggle, they come full circle, having both underidentified and overidentified along the way.

Jim pointed out that MESP is kind of a failure for those in the first two categories, and either overidentifying or underidentifying does neither the MESPer, nor anyone else, much good. When he talked about faith, and the struggles that most, if not all, MESPers face in terms of beginning to define "faith", some of his last words (that I've always remembered) were, "[even if you're not in "category" 1 or 2] if, at the end of the day, you don't have the spirit of God, you're just wasting your time." When I think about that, and about everything I've seen, and everything I've heard during my 3 semesters at MESP, I wonder why I even have the right to decide whether or not God does, or doesn't exist, and whether or not he does or does not love us, particularly considering the status I have as a white, upper middle class North American. This is not to say I don't struggle with it, and don't very often wonder why the crap I'm here ("here" being life), but it does mean that everything I've seen and learned at MESP has confirmed that I have to believe in the holiness and redemption and love of God - if not, then what's the point?

Now, at the end of this long and rambling (and somewhat unfinished) post, I'll acknowledge again that I'm still here, and you're still there, and although I remember where you guys are at right now, I'm not exactly having to face it (at least not yet) so it's easy for me to ramble about these kinds of things. I would also like to qualify by saying that at this point in my life (and hopefully for all of my life actually), everything that I say and do is a "work in progress" so to speak. What that means is that everything I said here is still being worked out in my head. Tomorrow I may decide that the way I wrote things yesterday isn't the way I think today, but I'm going to post anyways. I guess most of all, I just want you to know that I love all of you, and I think of you often, and I hope you're seeing grace and redemption, even in the crap of life.

Now for those lyrics from your favourite Canadian poet and singer, Leonard Cohen. I'm not saying they'll necessarily be all that meaningful or inspirational to you, but they're something, and I like Leonard in general, so here he is: (to get the full effect of the song you really have to listen to it - it's wild)

"Villanelle For Our Time" (Leonard Cohen)

From bitter searching of the heart,
Quickened with passion and with pain
We rise to play a greater part.
This is the faith from which we start:
Men shall know commonwealth again
From bitter searching of the heart.
We loved the easy and the smart,
But now, with keener hand and brain,
We rise to play a greater part.
The lesser loyalties depart,
And neither race nor creed remain
From bitter searching of the heart.
Not steering by the venal chart
That tricked the mass for private gain,
We rise to play a greater part.
Reshaping narrow law and art
Whose symbols are the millions slain,
From bitter searching of the heart
We rise to play a greater part.

Happy Easter . . .

Advice...Mumkin

Okay, so in the past, ooo I don't know two weeks, I have been presented with options. I hate options I hate decisions. HATE THEM. I so dearly wish we could all some how secretly stop time meet for a while, talk, scream, cry, share hugs, laugh, and then re-enter the world. Anyways...I need some advice.
My school is applying for a grant from the United States government that would allow for inner-faith dialogue. It would pay for ACU professors to go over seas and meet with Islamic clerics for several weeks, and for the Islamic clerics to come to the United States (yes, Texas ek!) for several weeks. This would go on for two years to create community and dialogue between the religions. Fabulous right?! Yes, it is. I have have been asked to help make apply for this grant. If we get it, then well I will have the honor of helping make this process work afterwards (wonderful, exciting honor that will allow me to live in West Texas even after I graduate!). I am excited, but I need help. Do any of you have contacts with Islamic Imams, clerics or leaders of the community that would be willing to travel to the United States (all expenses paid) to participate in this inner-faith dialogue? If you do, could you email me the info. Thanks.
Also, okay this will sound dumb...but....I have to come up with cultural activities that will encourage the building of community between the two groups. As of now, all that I have been able to come up with are well more Texan than Amercian (please give me a break I'm in West Texas! This would be easy if I were in one o fhte bigger cities) as I have now I've thought about..symphonies, rodeos etc. Any other ideas?

Obama

Sorry Julia. I wasnt trying to bash Iowa, but I guess that it sort of sounded like I was doing just that. I was really trying to make fun of everyone on MESP who made fun of Iowa (a large percentage of the guys) : ) But, I guess that I didnt convey that very well.
I did get to see Obama. I actually got to shake his hand. I almost got to ask him a question, but the microphone guy gave the mic to the wrong person, Barak had pointed at me instead of this other guy.
I liked some stuff, but I strongly disliked other stuff. I will probably vote for Nader this election. I cant stand either party at the moment.

PBS NOW "Inside Egypt"

Hey all, tomorrow (Friday) the PBS NOW show is doing a special on Egypt...here is a little preview. I'm not gauranteeing its going to be good, but it looks interesting. I miss you all.

Is America losing the war for hearts and minds in the Middle East? To find out, NOW traveled to Egypt for an international perspective on America, Americans, and the war in Iraq. Among those profiled is a thoughtful, educated young woman who boycotts American goods and represents a new generation of Egyptians familiar with Western culture, but turning toward Islam.

From the Arab street to corporate settings, we heard outrage at America's foreign policy in the Middle East. We also investigated what America needs to do to regain the trust of one of our closest allies in the region.

"There is a book, you know, how to lose your marriage in 30 days?" Emad Eldin Adib, an Egyptian media tycoon tells NOW. "The Bush Administration should write a book: how to lose your allies in the Middle East in 30 months."

[http://www.pbs.org/now/shows/314/index.html]

Guess where I am?

Just wanted to write a little on our blog from the Focus on the Family Institute in Colorado Springs. No explanation at this point. Peace out.

What was I thinking?

So I have really started to think about what going into the Peace Corps means. When I applied it was really just something to do that might be fun, I never really thought I would get in. Now that I am in I am beginning to realize that I am crazy and can never, ever do this!!!!!! I am honestly freaking out!! We are talking about the girl who flunked basic Arabic trying to learn a whole new language in 3 months. After that 3 months I won't be speaking English for 2 years. I realize that this is me just venting but I am worried. People keep telling me it will be alright but you all know that I am not that impressive when it comes to things like language and teaching. Help, I am feeling very unequipped for this whole Peace Corps thing. Do you realize that have to go through 3 months of 10 hours a day training just so they can take up into some remote village and leave me all by myself? Oh, woah is me!
On top of all this doubt, I have actually been thinking, not something I do much but I thought I would try a little. Anyway I came up with all these questions about faith and God and life in general. I can't really talk about them because it just causes fights at home and with friends. I think this has been my biggest problem since coming home. There is no one who really knows how I have changed and they don't really want to know cause it makes them uncomfortable.
So basically, life is one big worry fest with me at the middle. The sad part though is, I don't even know if I should be worrying about these things in the first place. Ick, how can life be so good and so hard at the same time. I just want everything to be perfect.
There are good things in my life right now too but they are boring and not worth noting because this is all about me pouting!

ready for retirement

i feel like i am 85...or something like that. just an update: even though that fun little sledding incident of mine was a couple of months ago now, i am still messed up. and getting really sick of it. i have to go to the doc's twice a week for physical therapy and whatnot. and i am in so much freaking pain! i just want to retire and sit in a lazy boy all day. well not really i guess. i am still waitressing, but i think i might have to quit because it is really not going so well in my current state. i'm at a loss as to how i can possibly pay for all my doctor's expenses along with everything else...and quit my job. on top of that...i'm still far behind in school and i have to graduate this year or i will go crazy! i'm sorry this is just me complaining. i'll quit now. i am just really really discouraged and wanted to get it out. blah. i need some peanut butter. the end.

Oh Dear Ones...

Mandy here:

Life is crazy. Election are crazy. Friends are stupid. Alissa is neat. My chest hurts when I think. I feel like moving to a jungle and living somewhere by myself for a long time.

Incoherent? Yes. Exactly how I feel? Of course.

Ok, onto the goods... The first day of election was today...I think it went ok. Honestly, I don't think I stand a chance, the other candidate is promising a hot tub and handing out candy bars. I'm calling for expanding our bubble-like atmosphere and getting involved in the world around us (however, I did hand out those little wedding bubbles...). You decide who's going to win...haha.

In other news, Tory's story is slowly and surely become mine. Another way our souls are connected I guess. My best friend dumped me last week. She said, "I don't know how to be your friend anymore, you're changing too fast and going through too much. I'm outtie." The next day I spoke in chapel and shared my heart with the students about my vision for Spring Arbor and the other candidate starting yelling about his hot tub. Yes.

I think I find out tomorrow night or Wednesday morning...the sooner the better. I would rather just know and lick my wounds or celebrate than sitting here in this limbo.

I miss flat five and discussions about sex, religion and our bowel movements. I have much love deep in my pain-filled chest for all of you right now. Julianna I am calling you tomorrow.

Much love from the depths of my toes (sorry, that's where it's coming from today).