The last month has been pretty hard for me. A lot of things have been changing as far as my perspective regarding God, regarding myself, regarding my friends, pretty much everything. The real problem is that I dont have much direction in my life. A friend wisely said to me today that the only thing that I should rely on is God. Everything else will fail me. He is totally right, but the problem is that I dont really feel like relying on God now. Im sort of frustrated with Him. Sometimes, I am shocked by how little I know Him. In the past, He seemed so near. Now, he feels light-years away. My old perceptions of God had a lot of wiggle room. I gave Him lots of space to be who he is, the omnipotent almighty pantocrator. Yet, I confess that I sort of had Him in a box despite all the "openmindedness" that I felt that I had when it came to understanding God.
Ultimately, I just wish that my life made more sense. I wish that I had some goals, just one solid reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Now, I dont really have anything except for the fact that it has become a habit that I cant bring myself to break.
I prayed in chapel yesterday. I prayed for those who suffer. I prayed for the persecuted church. And, in front of the students and faculty, I asked God why he continues to allow suffering. It was tough.
But, it hasnt all been bad. I went out to get some coffe with a professor today. He is a philosophy prof and a GENIUS!!! (even better than Hawthorne if you can believe it) I just sat there and talked about Egypt for two hours. He asked me really good questions, in particular about Islam. It was really good. It made me think.
Oh well, I have to go do homework.
Peace
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3 comments:
Hey Micah - I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time of it as of late. I wanted you to know that I am proud of you for asking the tough questions of God and letting him out of the box you put him in. I put God in a box all the time. Just so you know, God is not afraid of your questions and doubts. Let Jesus' blood cover you even when you walk away from him. Okay, that's the end of my sermon. I just wanted you to know that I am a huge fan of yours Micah - you're wonderful. Anyway, have a great weekend!
Abbie
Hello, Micah Schuurman.
Ah, I'm sorry to hear about the rough patch you seem to have hit. First off, you're doing good, even if you feel like shit sometimes. Not only is asking questions one of the more significant expressions of our humanity and one of the most important things we can do--it sounds like you're being smart about it by finding good people to talk to and listen to. And that you *are* getting out of bed in the morning--that is perserverance, my friend.
let me recommend two books. First is 'orthodoxy' by G.K. Chesterton--he has some really good things to say about living life out of gratitude and a kind of 'patriotism' to the universe. You don't need to understand God to still be living in light of him. I don't know. I like that idea, at least.
The second one might be a bit too self-help, so I'm embarassed to offer it up as a suggestion, but Yancey wrote a book called "Searching for the Invisible God." It might deal more specifically with some of what you're thinking about.
In the meantime, Bright Eyes' "June on the West Coast" always helps.
Take care of yourself, Micah. Don't think too hard. I suspect some of the most important 'true' things about the universe aren't things you "figure out" just by thinking about them really hard.
Alissa
O Micah, you ARE doing well. How bout u get out of bed for us and for the ppl of the Middle East that need u to fight for them.
I can totally identify with feeling like God really doesn't feel near and like I don't even want to listen to or follow God. Somehow its so obvious that he's working through us and around us all though. No other explanation for life, my existence, ur existence, anything good in the world, snow, stars, etc.
no offense, but u would've made a horrible pastor if u never went through this. Keep waking up in the morning, life naturally goes up and down, and u grow a lot in the downs. Also, I totally agree with Alissa, I'm pretty sure u can't figure the most important things out by just thinking about them, so don't think too hard.
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