My answer to the questions posed on this blog (or the lack therof)

Everything has become very shaky for me too. Nearly every "support system" in my life has broken down or at least been severly shaken. Here is a prayer that I prayed in chapel last week. Towards the end of the prayer I seem to imply that non-christians dont go to heaven. I dont believe this. I dont know what to beleive anymore. I am going to leave that to God. But, I couldnt really say anything else without going in to much more detail about salvation issues and thereby distract from the goal of my prayer.

Lets pray
Sovereign Lord, we know that you rule over all things. We know that you hear our every heart-beat and see our every smile. We know that you are loving and that you are good. Yet, there are things that we don’t know. We don’t know how you can be both just and gracious. We don’t know how your son was able to humble himself to become a man. There is much that we do not know, but there is one important question that stands out in my own mind: why do you delay? Lord, we look around at the pain and the injustice in the world and it makes us tremble. Sometimes, we cant even sleep at night. We try to reconcile our concept of a loving Messiah with a God who seems to turn a blind eye to injustice, genocide, homicide, cancer, birth-defects, poverty, racism, sexism, pollution, pornography, tsunamis, AIDS and so much more. Lord, when will you come? Lord, when will you return and fix it all? We need a solution and we need it badly.
Lord, today we would like to raise up to you the people who suffer. We want to raise up anyone who lives with emotional pain, psychological pain, spiritual pain, physical pain or any other type of brokenness. Be with these people. Make your presence known.
In particular Lord, we want to raise up to you the Persecuted Church. Be with and comfort the Christians who fear for their lives. Bring comfort, bring peace, bring hope. Be with the families of Sammy and Nasser Isaac. Being a Christian in Egypt is not a piece of cake. Bless Sammy and Nasser as they seek to spread your word to their fellow Egyptians. Protect them from the possible consequences of their missionary activities. Bless these men who follow you and who may face persecution for your sake.
Also Lord, we want to raise up to you those who suffer but who have no faith in you. Their suffering seems to have even less purpose than the suffering of Christians. At least, when a Christian dies, there is the small consolation that they will see you in heaven upon judgment day. As a Christian, looking at the suffering of non-Christians, there is little such consolation. So, we ask you today to be with non-Christians for whom life is agony. Bless them and draw them to yourself.
Finally Lord, help us, your people to have a healthy attitude when it comes suffering and those who suffer. Give us words when words are necessary. Give us ears to listen to those in pain. And, give us strength to share in the grief of our friends, our family and all of humanity.
In your holy name
Amen

So, I still believe that God is sovereign. If he isnt sovereign, then I dont think that he would be truly God. But, I cannot for the life of me reconcile that with the problem of suffering. In an attempt to explain how suffering works, I wrote a poem. It isnt done yet. I need to rework it a lot. But, the extended metaphor carries some weight in my mind.

O Sovereign Surgeon
In the ER.
You remove the forbidden fruit
Caught in our esophagi
But where is the novocaine?
Must we scream at every slice of the scalpal?
Is there any other way?
You ignored your beloved son when he asked.
Yet, I dare to ask again.

I suppose that that is the only comfort that I have now. That Jesus went through this before me. He lived life so that I might learn how to live mine and he suffered that I might be spared from eternal suffering. Thank God for Jesus!